Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Serious Talk About Bath Salts And The Forthcoming "Zombie Apocalypse"

Monpeeps, how are you?

That question is rhetorical moderately unimportant. I hope you are all doing well, and if you aren't, well there isn't a whole lot I can do about it from here (until someone invents an awesome grilled cheese sandwich that you can download and eat....now I want one, fuck!)

(And now you know exactly how I feel. Sucks eh?)

If there is one thing I have proved to be really good at in 2012, it's taking hiatuses (?). I'm barely a paragraph into this post and I have already revealed some pretty terrible spelling habits. Oh well. A lot has happened since I last returned after a lengthy absence only to take another one. Such things include:

- There was a new Spider-Man movie
- I gave a good friend the "Razor's Edge" finishing move (look it up) off a dock into a lake while super drunk.
- I turned 27 years old (not the same weekend as above, but still fun)
- The final Christopher Nolan "Batman" film came out and was immediately vilified for not being the answer to all life's problems.

(Batman seen here looking at everyones incredibly lofty expectations)

Yes, it's been pretty eventful and there are a lot of noteworthy things to discuss. Like, oh I don't know, THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING DRUGS AND EATING EACH OTHERS FACES!

(As opposed to just swapping them, like the good old days).

According to many terrifying reports (which I don't read because current events are fucking terrifying), some new drug called "Bath salts" is sweeping the nation. And by "sweeping the nation" I mean causing people to flip the fuck out and go full Romero on each other.

(Bath? No, this is officially "zombie broth" now)

Rather than make you read more white type on a black background (btw I am NEVER changing the design of this blog), I'll let a video fill in the details. I didn't feel like searching for long, so it was the first short one I came across (sub 3 minutes).

Take it away, girl who somewhat reminds me of Lisa Loeb:

(In a word: WHATINTHEFUCK!?!?)

So yeah, that's happening now. Let's check in with ACTUAL Lisa Loeb to see what she has to say about this:

(She had absolutely NOTHING to add to this. I don't even know why I asked her)

 I don't tend to "get serious" too often here on j.B.C.S. but this seems like the perfect topic and opportunity ("topictunity"?... No. The answer to that question was NO!) for me to talk about something seriously, for serious. And to show you that this is no laughing matter and I'm crazy serious, I'm at about here on the "Gene Hackman Scale Of Emotions":

(Not pictured: Malarkey, Whimsy, Fucks of any kind)

When this story first broke a while ago (C'mon, I've been busy. You saw that list up there) one thing that kept getting tossed around was the phrase "zombie apocalypse". The perpetrators of a few of these crimes have fit the zombie description pretty well (face eating is a big one) but the fact that zombies are movie monsters seemed to calm most everyone down.

However there is something that calms me down without question. That is the fact that people watch too many movies. What leads to our panic also leads to our salvation. By that I mean this:

Humanity is WAY too "genre savvy" to fall prey to a zombie apocalypse.

(Hipster zombies will be the first to go)

After doing the slightest bit of research possible before writing this post (research is overrated) I discovered that several governments actually have zombie protocols in place in case the world gets overrun by the walking dead.

(or a shit load of Dales. FUCK DALE!)

But it isn't the governments preparation that comforts me when I think of an army of shuffling boogeymen intent on getting some brains in 'em. It's the average citizen.

(Shown here, planning)

On this planet (Earth, in case you are reading this after the colonization of the moon), right now, I estimate there are 426,000 ordinary people who have a plan "just in case" the dead rise and need to be put the fuck back down.

I am one of them.

Years ago some friends and I jokingly planned what we would do if we woke up and zombies were all up in everyone's shit. Strategies were discussed, weapons were hypothetically acquired and shelter was targeted for a takeover. Hell, we even planned to pretend not to know each other at first so we don't appear as a cohesive unit/threat to other survivors, but we are TOTALLY working together.

(NOTE: This discussion happened while we were watching the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" at the time....which is an awesome movie btw. It's the best part of this "40 Year Old Virgin" scene, NSFW):

Although there was varying degree of seriousness to our "what should we do?" conversation....we still had it. And we're semi-normal people. If it all went down, I know I'd follow our poorly thought-out plan because, well....I don't have another one.

This is my plan B:

Thing is, when it comes to "Z-Day" I've thought about it but I haven't thought THAT much about it. According to my completely made up figure above, many people have. And that isn't even including the crazies who build custom guns and refer to them as "zombie destroyers"...


So if you are worried about zombies being total dicks and ruining your day/life, in all seriousness you can relax. The odds are much better that someone in your neighbourhood is fully stocked up on weapons just waiting for the day when being an amoral murderous vigilante is acceptable behaviour.

(Everyone can relax, he's got this. And by "this" I mean a chainsaw hand)

So, feel better? I know I do. And to be sure I made sure to measure my emotion on the "Gene Scale" again...

(I'm... not a very happy person)

But if the zombies in question are "fast zombies"? We're all fucked.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow the "Sleepless Knight" on twitter @jBowmancouver. He may be an idiot, but twitter is full of them. What's one more gonna hurt?

Friday, June 1, 2012

The Sleepless Knight Rises

Monpeeps, how are you?

Been awhile, (according to my calculations, it's been roughly six months). In case you've forgotten, I don't really do great when it comes to calculating things. I don't know what it is. My aversion to numbers? The fact that I am never really sure what Month it is? Or could it be my staunch refusal to use anything but an abacus? I certainly have no idea what it could be.


When last I left you, I had "sold out" and gone legitimate with a blogging gig for a major newspaper here in Vancouver (who are we kidding, that paper is KING!). It has long been a dream of mine to sell out the first chance I got, and I'm proud to admit I took it. However, bitches and money can only get you so far in this life (roughly 6 months or so) and I miss writing here. I miss it every day. Plus I'm still waiting for my endorsement deals to come through.

(I would sell almost as many of these as I would eat. Almost)

 You may have noticed a sharp decline in my creative output here on j.Bowman Can't Sleep. And of course by "sharp decline" I mean "straight up vanishing act". For this, I am sorry. But it's not like I've been slacking off. From December-April I wrote 138 posts for that paper, and as much as I missed writing here (for those of Monpeeps who could give a shit about the Vancouver Canucks), it seems like every time I would write it would be about that hockey team I love who once again proved to be above such trivial things as "championships" and "making people happy".

(41st verse, same as the first)

 Oh, I slept a lot better too, which had a pretty profound effect on my prolificness (and my ability to make up words). However, "the game has changed" recently and I find myself staring at the ceiling for extended periods of time at all hours of the night once again. I don't know how much I'll write, if I will continue monthly features like the IIHOF and the Irrational Fear of the Month, or if I'll change the design to make it more watered down and easier to read (spoiler alert: I won't). Just figure for now I'd drop by and let you know, in case you were wondering, that's where I've been: Asleep.

(Like this, only with my eyes closed....and only one beer)

So, there really isn't a big point to this post, or a glorious epiphany that brought me back. I just felt like writing something, and there is no better time than now and no better reason than the one which made me start the blog in the first place.

j.Bowman Can't Sleep.

Good to be back.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - November

(Bow-note: After the hostile takeover Vancouver Canucks related posts put into motion this month, I now have a place for all those musings to go that isn't j.B.C.S. You can now read all Canucks material at The Legion of Blog's page on The Province Sports located HERE. So thank you to all my readers NOT from Vancouver for your patience. The date of this post has been adjusted to keep it in November. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Bowgramming)

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of... well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate, until the end of days.

You can check out the complete list of the I.I.H.O.F. right over HERE (as well as links to each post)

Class of November 2011

Cheap Ass Black Mittens

(Oh hell yeah!)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Replace The KB - Monpeeps Have Spoken...

I submitted 12 articles, 6 videos, and a whole lotta heart. Now, after three weeks of competition The Province Sports have picked the 4 who will replace the KB as their Canucks bloggers. Among the 4....

It is done. Check the link HERE for the "Bow-fficial" announcement. I'm going to keep this short, hopefully you'll be reading stuff from me for a long time, but I want to say thank you to the Province Sports, the 14 other competitors who brought the goods on a regular basis and blogged their hearts out. Check out the KB link here and feel free to click on the contestants and check them out. Win or lose, these are 14 people worth reading regularly. Most importantly I wish to thank...


Every single person who believed the alternative underdog could pull this off and supported me every step of the way. Some of you I know, some of you I don't, but to all of you I'm eternally grateful. I do not take this opportunity lightly and I promise that I will continue to bring the goods and let you know that you backed the right horse. The pale horse.

I will write a bit more on the subject tomorrow, but for now...

... enough talk. Can I get an internet dance party going for all of Monpeeps out there? I'll bring the tunes. Get up off your chairs, stay in your chairs, do whatever you like. Just know, it's dancing time.

Thanks again. All systems Bow. Hit my music!

I dare you not to dance at 1:06. I DARE YOU!

Thanks for Reading.

- jB

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Jersey. Always. #3 - "Modern Warfare"

This is it folks. The last video I will be releasing for the Replace the KB contest. While it was a toss up between this and "Getting to Know Bow 3", I just can't resist the opportunity to mix the Vancouver Canucks, Paintball and Jurassic Park together (plus, it was way too nice a day yesterday to not film something outside).

These have been an absolute blast to work on over the last couple weeks. I could not have done them without the help of the awesome crew mentioned up top in the #replacethekb tab. You can find all the videos I've done for the contest there. If you are like me and too lazy to click the tab (it is all the way up there after all), here is a shortcut.

In case this is my last post before the clock strikes midnight, I want to say thank you all for the positive feedback on the posts and videos. Coming into this contest in relative obscurity and competing with some of the best and most recognized names in Canucks fan blogging has been an honour and my diplomatic scorecards still have it as a 15 way tie for 1st place.

You know what? Who wants to see this contest extended? C'mon folks!


Thanks for not chanting. I'm exhausted. I think all 15 of us left it all on the ice (or keyboard as it were) and have a tremendous amount to be proud of.

Without further delay, "Jersey Always #3 - Modern Warfare".

Thanks for reading watching everything.

- jB

Twitter @jbowmancouver. I promise to tweet once a month about how much I love "McCain Deep n' Delicious Cakes".

"What's the Frequency Henrik?" - Tuning out the tuned out argument

Sunday, November 20th is "coaching day" in BC. I can't think of a better day to express that I've officially had enough of the rumblings that the Canucks now respond to the soon-to-be winningest coach in team history, Alain Vigneault, in the same way that Charlie Brown responded to adults.

(Somehow, I doubt Henrik is hearing trumpet noises right now.)

It is a popular topic when the Canucks are losing, and it's a popular topic when it comes to sports in general: the "tuning out" of a head coach. I can see where the basis of this take comes from. Coaches are leaders and leaders need to be inspirational, guiding influences. When a team falters, the knee jerk reaction is to criticize the result as "uninspired play".

(Players didn't respond to his plan of showing "Dead Poet's Society" on the jumbo tron.)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Jersey. Always. #2 - "Beer League"

A wise man with a great singing voice and radically fluctuating weight once said:

"A little less conversation, a little more action".

With that in mind, I present to you the second of three "Jersey. Always." videos entitled "Beer League". Keeping this series short and almost completely devoid of dialogue. If you have 1:12 seconds to spare today, I highly recommend giving it a viewing.

Check the #replacethekb tab at the top of the blog for my other campaign videos and #voteBow4Blog. The Cinderella story of this run is coming to an end, it's time to throw your support behind, well, not exactly the "dark horse".

Support the pale horse.

In case you were wondering, yes there is a take where a softball hit me "downtown". Perhaps there will be outtakes.

Thanks for reading.

- jB


Follow me on twitter @jbowmancouver There will be candy! (candy subject to change.)